Number Thirteen: Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland

1951

Hearing the word “Alice” is almost enough to make me scream. You don’t understand. For the past two months my life was devoted to Alice in Wonderland. I lived, ate, slept (no really, I had so many Alice dreams it is ridiculous) this story. I’m sick of it. Very sick. I don’t want to hear about it ever again.

But of course, it had to be a Disney movie. Stupid Disney. Sigh. They didn’t even do a good job. I was a much better Queen of Hearts, I can tell you that!

Alice goes off to visit Wonderland one day while taking a nap during a boring history lesson. Sleeping is almost always better than listening to lectures. Especially when you can go to a place full of talking animals and fanciful creatures. Wouldn’t you rather do that than schoolwork? I think yes.

Alice gets to Wonderland by chasing the White Rabbit and falling down the rabbit hole. And quite the fall it is. Alice thinks it must be miles deep. Finally she reaches the end. Seeing the White Rabbit, she races off, only to find a tiny door at the end of the hallway

The door begins to talk to her, telling her he is locked. In Wonderland, everything talks. Just a heads up. She has to eat a cookie and drink some kind of liquid before she is able to both get the key for the door and be able to fit through it.

Once through she encounters many weird beings, none who are as important as the Queen of Hearts. I’m going to skip the first hour of the movie and just talk about the Queen okay? It’s not okay? Ha! I’m going to do it anyway! Because I can!

This is how I feel about the Queen: <3 < 3 <3 < 3. I LOVE her. She’s the best character ever! I am not just saying that because I played her recently. Well, okay. I am. But I mean, if I played her, and I am awesome, then she has to be awesome right? Right! I’m so cool.

The Queen is constantly ordering people to be beheaded. You think this is cruel? I just say it is an efficient justice system! You rarely see people going out of their ways to break laws in Wonderland. She’s such a good ruler. I am not biased at all.

Alice wanders around and finally gets to the Queen’s court, where a game of croquet is going to begin. Instead of mallets, balls and wickets, she uses flamingos, hedgehogs and cards You may find this crazy. I just think the Queen is trying to work on her croquet skills. Playing croquet with a flamingo and hedgehog is about twenty times more difficult than normal croquet, I can assure you.

Alice starts to act bratty, questioning the Queen’s perfect judgment, so she is sent to court. There the Queen shows how she is also an effective judge, quickly sentencing her to be beheaded. Such a wonderful leader! As she is trying to keep her kingdom under control, Alice runs off. The stupid kid. The Queen is forced to send her army of cards after this condemned prisoner.

Fortunately for Alice, she wakes up before the cards get her, and revels in how wonderful a dream it was. The end.

I don’t like this movie. It is not anything like the book whatsoever. The book is a fantastic tale of wonder and curiosity and impossible things. This movie is nothing compared to the book. Of course, that is the way it usually is with books and movies.

I will give this film some credit, it is remarkably animated. It was able to bring all the strange creatures of Wonderland to life, like the rocking horse fly, or the famous Cheshire cat. It in no way did the Queen of Hearts well, but that’s just my opinion, which is of course correct.

When taking on a books as delightful as Alice in Wonderland, the movies will always fall short. Some things are better when left to the mind to imagine for itself, and I believe this book to be one of those. Except for the Queen of Hearts part. That’s totally okay to bring to life, as long as I am the one doing so.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): NOT Rose, who couldn’t suck up the fact this movie scares her and help her best friend out. The jerk.

Best Song: “Painting the Roses Red.” It’s about me!!!! Well. The Queen. Who is me. So me!!!!!

Best Part: Me!! Or the Queen. Same thing.