Number HALFWAY THROUGH! Or Twenty Five: The Black Cauldron

The Black Cauldron

1985

Today, you all are in for a treat. But let me explain first. Last night, I watched this movie, The Black Cauldron, with two of my friends, Erin and Jessica. As I had never seen this movie before, I should have paid more attention to it. But I was distracted. Erin however, was deeply into this movie, and was able to explain in great detail what occurred. Therefore, today’s summary of The Black Cauldron is not written by me, but by Erin! Oh and for the record, I do know what happened in this movie! It involved a pig and a guy with horns and fairies and an apple. Oh and magic glowing sword and a cauldron, that if you jumped in it would go POOF and then come back. Yeah. This is why I’m not writing about it.

“Okay. So Taran wants to become a warrior (This is Kelsey, in all the bold words. Taran is the main character. We like him). His magic pig shows his master (Not Taran, a guy with odd eyebrows) when she (The pig) sticks her head into a basin of water, that the black caldron (It’s magical) is being hunted down by the Horned King.

The Horned King knows about the pig and its magical powers and wants to pig so that he can use Hen Wen's powers to find the caldron. You know, to take over the world. The pig foresees this and an image of the pig's vision is displayed in the water basin. So then the pig master (Eyebrow man) tells Taran that he needs to hide the pig and that he'll meet with Taran and the pig there soon.

Well, along the way to the hide out place, the pig runs off. UH OH. So Taran pulls out an apple and yells HEN WENNNNNNNNNNNNNN! But the magic pig doesn't respond. UH OH. Well Taran runs into a little fuzzy yeti creature (He’s so cute, and impossible to understand) and the little fuzzy yeti creature wants the apple. So it tells Taran that he'll be his BEEEEEEST friend (I guess he said that, it’s kind of hard to figure out what comes out of his mouth sometimes)if Taran gives him the apple. THEN TARAN SPOTS THE PIG BEING CARRIED AWAY BY DRAGONS! UH OH! (OM NOM NOM)So Taran runs after it (with the apple) and the yeti follows. When the pig is flown off of a cliff and towards an ominous castle, Taran gets so pissed that he throws the apple to the yeti and storms off, towards the ominous (Good word choice Erin!) castle. The yeti is sad that his new best friend doesn't like him and he'll never see Taran again. Blah.

Apparently the long walk to the castle took only a second for Taran because he is scaling the rocks in the next shot. Taran sneaks into the castle and sees a bunch of creepy dudes and a little green goblin creature partying. There's a dancing woman – freaky (She’s so ugly. She’s burned holes in my brain by looking at her). Taran is hiding out on the support beams above the whole shindig when in walks the Horned King (ooooooooooooooooo) (He looks like a skinless devil).

The king sits down on his throne and the goblin tells the king that they have the pig. So they bring in the pig. The king orders the pig to stick its nose in a bowl of water and tell him where the caldron is. When the pig refuses, it's brought to this stone to have its head cut off (BACON TIME!). That apparently doesn't fly with Taran who then falls off the support beam and shouts “NOOOOOOOOOO!”

The king puts two and two together and says "This is your pig. Order it to show me where the caldron is." Then Taran is like "NUH UH. I WAS TOLD NOT TO." So then the king goes "Oh. What a shame. GET THEM."

BUT WAIT -- theres more. Taran goes “OKAY OKAY OKAY I'll make her show you!” So he does. Then something goes wrong and the guards start to chase the pig and Taran. Taran throws the pig off of the castle and into a moat and he himself gets thrown in prison. Then some blonde chick who claims to be a princess comes through a hole in the ground and says "HAAAAAAY WANNA EXPLORE THE CASTLE WITH ME AND MY BEST FRIEND -- THIS LIGHT SPECK?" and he's all like "SUUUUURE!" then when they're (the princess and Taran) exploring the underground, Taran comes across a magic sword. Who woulda guessed it? They find some musician (who's a TERRIBLE musician) (For. Real. Every time he talks his little lyre explodes) tied up and they go untie one of his hands. Then they're (sadly and oh so predicatively) discovered. Oops.

So they're running and running and then the magic sword explodes the ugly guard's sword. Oops/yay. Then they get to the draw bridge with tons of people chasing them and the musician shows up and the princess goes "OH. WHY DON'T YOU CUT THE CHAIN LOOSE?” (YAY LOGIC!) So they do and they escape  then the musician's pants get ripped, so the princess mends them while Taran polishes his magic sword and the musician hides behind a bush.

They find the pig and hide him underground somewhere. Then they find the witch's house and the little fluffy yeti guy shows up somewhere before this. The witches give them the caldron in exchange for the sword (which I'm sure broke Taran's heart). Then the Horned King gets a hold of the caldron and stuff goes wrong, people come back from the dead, blah blah blah (So descriptive Erin). The yeti sacrifices himself into the caldron and the dead people die (Ha, that’s funny, because they were dead, and then they die again!). Then the Horned King and Taran fight each other and the king ends up dying. BUT WAIT. IT'S *STILL* NOT OVER. (Whaaaat?)

The three friends (and the pig who somewhere along the way popped up) are all mopey and depressed because the annoying yeti died  (I thought he was cute…)and the caldron is floating in the middle of the ocean (Why does it keep coming back?). The witches appear in the sky and want to trade the sword for the caldron (I think...) but Taran refuses the sword and they trade something else and end up getting the yeti back. Then Taran and the princess kiss and all is well. THE END. (YAY!)

Okay, it is Kelsey again. Wow. I’m just, wowing at what is written up above. I’m not sure how to respond to it, besides giggling. A lot.

As for the actual movie, it was meh. It’s definitely not my favorite of the Disney movies. It doesn’t even feel like a Disney movie, it was creepy and dark. So, I am going to go with not liking this film.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Jessica and Erin (giggle).

Best Song: Not a musical, so N/A.

Best Part: The really bad musician, because every time he lied, his lyre flipped out.