Number FIFTY or, THE END: Tangled

Tangled

2010

I haven’t cut my hair in eight months. I’ve trimmed it of course! But ever since I’ve seen this movie, I haven’t had a serious hair cut as I am determined to have Rapunzel hair. As I am a brunette this goal will never be able to be actually achieved. One can still dream right?

Rapunzel has a dream! Her dream is to one day see the floating lights. What are the floating lights? That’s what she wants to know! It’s just too bad that her mother keeps her locked up in a tower. Poor Rapunzel hasn’t left the tower in eighteen years. I cannot imagine being stuck in my room for that long. I think I would have gone insane. I think everyone would have.

Her mother keeps her entrapped in the tower because she has magical golden hair. If you sing a certain song her Rapunzel’s hair can heal any wound and reverse the aging process. Mother Gothel, that’s her name, is really like, a thousand years old, but because of Rapunzel, she looks only forty. Maybe fifty, I’m not good with the whole age thing.

One day, Rapunzel decides that she’s had enough, and as it is her birthday, she politely requests to her mother that she would be able to see the floating lights. Gothel refuses, and then leaves for three days to get a birthday present.

While her mother is gone, Rapunzel takes the opportunity to catch a thief and force him to take her to the floating lights. This thief is named Flynn, and he’s really fantastic! Minus the whole stealing thing. But hey, everyone has their faults!

On their trip, Rapunzel and Flynn fall in love. Duh. It’s what always happens. They also meet friendly thugs, grumpy horses, and an old man in a diaper. It’s not weird. Everyone is happy.

But they won’t stay that way! You see, Gothel isn’t really Rapunzel’s mother. Why would she actually have a loving mommy? That’s not how Disney works! Gothel stole her when she was a baby so she could stay forever young. If Rapunzel finds out who she really is, Gothel’s youthful beauty is done for.

Gothel convinces Rapunzel that Flynn is a no good dirty rotten scoundrel. Well, he is, but he was trying to fix that. Broken hearted, Rapunzel returns to the tower, where she has a sudden realization of the truth. She remembers who her real parents are. Which is odd, since she hadn’t seen them since she was two days old. Obviously she has an awesome memory. It turns out that her parents are really the king and queen, and the floating lights are lanterns flown so that she might one day see them. Once she finds out, Rapunzel confronts Gothel, who proceeds to tie up Rapunzel, saying she will never ever EVER leave the tower again. Right.

Everything works out in the end, Flynn returns, is stabbed, cuts off Rapunzel’s hair, and then Gothel trips out of the window and plunges to her death. Yay! Oh, and Rapunzel has magical tears, which save Flynn from dying. Yay! They get married and live happily ever after. Yay!

This movie is awesome. It’s cute, entertaining, has great songs, good characters, everything a great Disney movie should have.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): All of my family and Rose.

Best Song/Part: Today it is the same thing, “I’ve Got a Dream.” So. Freaking. Funny.

Guess what?! I JUST WATCHED THE LAST DISNEY MOVIE! That sentence was deserving of all caps. Trust me. I’ve never been more excited in my whole life. Well okay, I have, like first swam breaststroke legally. That was a good day. But so is today. Because I am done. DONE! Yippee!

These past fifty some odd days have been interesting. There have been days that just the thought of watching another animated movie made me want to vomit. But I kept on going. I think the total amount of days I skipped was four, and those were for certain circumstances outside of my control. I am fairly impressed with myself! I’m not a narcissist, just saying!

Of course, this blog did not happen only because I was determined. I had so many people help me in so many different ways, of which I am greatly thankful for. If you in anyway helped this blog come to life, by lending me a movie, watching a movie with me, listening to me complain about how much I abhorred Disney (I don’t for the record, some days, like the Home on the Range day, were particularly difficult) or anything else I cannot think about at the moment as it is one twenty six and my brain is dying, thank you so very much, you have no idea how much it meant to me. I owe you all a cookie, or pie.

As much as I sometimes made it seem like a horrible ordeal I was going through, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Any excuse to watch The Lion King must be an alright idea! The majority of the Walt Disney Animated Studio films are delightful pieces of entertainment, and in some cases, lovely works of art. I could quite literally go on forever about how each movie is wonderful. I thought about mentioning my favorites in the finale blog, but then I realized I'd be mentioning most of them. Especially The Lion King. I cannot talk about that movie 

enough.

But this was more than just a way to pass time. Since it spanned over seventy years, watching the 

official canon was taking a trip through time and learning about history through film, which is just as good a way to study that subject as any other way. I'm honestly a little bit sad to have to put this project away forever. I’ll always remember this crazy summer, and it has been my pleasure to share with you my often rambling thoughts, even though they were most of the time discombobulated. Thanks for reading! And don’t worry, I’ll be back soon with more ridiculous antics to share with the whole wide world!

Number Forty Nine: The Princess and the Frog

The Princess and the Frog

2009

I’m so close. So, so VERY close to finally finishing this blog. You have no idea how utterly thrilled I am about this. Sadly, I still have two reviews to write, so I best get started on this one.

Everyone knows the classic story of The Princess and the Frog. You know, where the frog is actually a prince, and he just needs the princess to kiss him so he can return to his true human form? Well, that is what we have here, with a few twists.

Tiana is not a princess. She’s a simple working girl, holding down two jobs while trying to earn enough money to open her own restaurant. Ha, the first time I typed “restaurant” I accidentally wrote restraint. It’s really not that funny, I guess. It just made me chuckle, but I am sleep deprived at the moment so that could be why.

One day, all of Tiana’s dreams and hopes are destroyed. Stomped on. Lit on fire. You get the picture. The building she was dreaming of owning ever since she was a small child was bought. Sort of. If Tiana can get the full amount for it within a few days, she can still be the proud owner.

However, wrench has been thrown into her plans. One night while at a ball, she finds a frog in her room. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal, but the fact that this frog talks kind of changes things. He tells her he is Prince Naveen, and he needs her to kiss him so he can be human again. He mistakes her ball gown and tiara costume for her being a real princess you see. Reluctantly, Tiana agrees.

Unfortunately, this kiss is not one of your typical magic Disney kisses. It did not fix anything; in fact it made everything worse. Tiana is now a lovely green amphibian due to a voodoo man’s curse on Naveen.

Neither Naveen nor Tiana wish to be frogs forever. Really, would anyone want to be a frog? No. They wouldn’t. So they must travel along the bayou with an alligator/crocodile and hillbilly lighting bug as a guide. 

Oh and the hillbilly is in love with a star. It’s not weird though! It’s adorable. I swear.

Finally, after encountering many hillbillies, evil crocogators, and a voodooress, (that is a female voodoo doctor. Yes that is a word I made up, unless it is a real word, then I am just smart for knowing it!) Naveen and Tiana make it back to New Orleans. Oh yeah it’s set in New Orleans! I forgot to mention that part. Once back, they find the original voodoo doctor and try to have everyone changed back to normal.

Of course it’s not that easy. In order to be changed back, Naveen must kiss a princess. New Orleans isn’t exactly full of princesses, so this is a challenge. Luckily it happens to be Mardi Gras, and the King of Mardi Gras has a daughter! So they figure that she is a princess, and convince her to kiss Naveen.

However, once she does, everyone realizes that the clock has struck midnight, and she is no longer the princess. Oh well. Naveen and Tiana do not care anymore, as they have decided they love each other, in frog form or not. They have the voodooress marry them in the woods with all the woodland creatures watching.

But! Remember how Naveen is a prince? So once he marries Tiana, she becomes a princess! And once they kiss at the altar, they are turned back into humans! Yippee! Tiana also finally opens up her restaurant! Double yippee! Everyone lives happily ever after. Well not Ray, the hillbilly star loving lightening bug. He died.

I really liked this movie. This shocked me, as most people I had talked to abhorred this film with a passion. I don’t know why, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I kind of liked that all the magic was actually voodoo, I thought it was a nice change from nice old fairies with glittery sticks going around and saying odd words. Not that I dislike the Fairy Godmother! I just like when people switch stuff up. When you belong to a canon with fifty bazillion movies, standing out is absolutely necessary. It’s not just the voodoo that was different this movie. I loved that they really used the New Orleans setting and had it incorporated in all aspects of the film, like in the soundtrack for example. The whole movie was just jazzy, and I liked that.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Katie.

Best Song: “Ma Belle Evangeline.” Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Best Part: This may sound odd, but my favorite part was when Ray died. It was beautiful. He turned into a star, and was able to sit next to his love in the sky. 

Number Forty Eight: Bolt

Bolt

2008

I kind of wish my dog was a super hero. That’d be fantastic! She could take on all the bad guys I’d ever encounter, keeping me forever safe. Who wouldn’t want to be forever safe? Unfortunately all my dog is good for is chasing squirrels and eating small animals. I still love my baby anyway.

Bolt thinks he is a super hero. In reality he is a TV star for a spy show, and to make it appear as authentic as possible, the producers have tricked Bolt into thinking he actually can shoot lasers, pick up things that would normally squish a dog, and sonically bark. Of course he can’t. He’s just a normal dog. Everyone just lets him think differently.

Until one day when he is accidentally mailed to New York. Once he figures out he is no longer in Hollywood, he begins to panic. As he discovers his “powers” are no longer working for some unknown reason to him, he really freaks out.

His panic causes him to kidnap a cat, Mittens, and force her to return him to Hollywood, so he may return to his person, Penny. Long story short, he makes it back, is reunited with Penny, everyone lives happily ever after, blah blah blah.

I know that isn’t saying much. But after forty eight days, all of these plots are starting to seem really similar. It’s beginning to make my head hurt actually. I mean, a Disney plot really has the same basic elements, and when you watch them daily, it is hard to write about them. You just to sound like a broken record, and no one wants to listen to one of those. Right?

Anyway, this particular movie was okay. I watched it only three hours ago or so, and I don’t really remember much of anything about it. This is the sign of a not as great movie. I do remember being entertained whilst watching it, but that’s about it, and I do not think that is enough. I could just be grumpy over this whole process, or it could be the fact it is super late and I want to go to sleep, but still. Movies should be memorable! That is all I have to say.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Leslie.

Best Song: I have a note on this. Penny and Bolt were voiced by Miley Cyrus and John Travolta, respectively, and they sang a song at the end. John Travolta is kind of awesome (Really. Have you seen Grease?) but Miley Cyrus is just…. Words do not describe how terrible of an existence she is. So obviously, her songs would suck too. So there is NO best song.

Best Part: The lunatic hamster who truly believes Bolt is a real super hero. He almost makes me want a hamster. Almost. Hamsters in general are a no good species, and not even an occasional cute one can redeem them.

Number Forty Seven: Meet the Robinsons

Meet the Robinsons

2007

Movies about time travel always give me a headache. No one can ever really create a plot about going to the future without having holes the size of elephants riddling it illogical. But when you accept the fact that sometimes these films won’t make a whole lot of sense, you can begin to enjoy them.

Like Meet the Robinsons, for example. I can’t really discuss what happened in this movie, as it was full of twists and turns that were unexpected. Well, I’m not really sure if they were unexpected, as I first saw this movie four years ago. Being only thirteen, I don’t remember how I first reacted, or if I could even trust that opinion. I’ll just go with saying this movie was full of surprises, but if you watch it and think it’s dumb, that’s okay too.  

Besides being somewhat confusing, I thought this movie was cute. Colorful, funny at points, and entertaining, it really is what one would expect from a better than usual children’s film. The way it depicted the future really made me wish that the year 2037 would hurry up and get here so that I could use bubbles as transportation. I mean really, how awesome would it be to go to work floating in a bubble? Scientists need to start working on that project! Its message of always moving forward despite adversities and obstacles helps elevate it above typical family selections. At the same time, it wasn’t really outstanding. I suppose it is hard to live up to such high standards Disney has left for all of its films after creating ones like The Little Mermaid or even The Rescuers. And of course The Lion King, though I highly doubt any animated movie will ever be anywhere near as spectacular as TLK. But I digress. And now I end.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Various people walked in and out of this movie. I think everyone I know is getting tired of Disney.

Best Song: N/A

Best Part: “I have a big head, and little arms!” Aw the poor dinosaur.

Number Forty Five: Home on the Range

Home on the Range

2004

“Home, home on the range, where the deer and the antelope play…” Every time I even hear of this movie, that song plays in my head, and stays stuck in my cranium for a very long time. This is only one of the problems with this movie.

Back in the Old West, there lived an infamous cow rustler named Alamida Slims. His name makes him sound like a girl, but he is in fact male. He caused many ranchers to go bankrupt by stealing all of their cattle. Without cattle, you can’t really have a cattle ranch now can you?

Maggie, a prize winning cow, was the last cow left on her ranch when Slims came through it. Now her owner cannot afford to keep her, so he sends her off to a little dairy farm called Patch of Heaven. While there Maggie tries to befriend the rest of the barnyard, but it is a little challenging for her to win over everyone in her new family. Particularly Mrs. Calloway, the strict leader of the farm. She does not care for Maggie’s loud outgoing ways. Basically she is a boring cow.

It doesn’t really matter anymore whether or not they get along, as the farm has gone bankrupt and will be sold at an auction, including all the livestock. Unless by some miracle Pearl, the owner, can come up with seven hundred and fifty dollars she’d need to pay the bank back.

What are they to do? Maggie knows! She decides to take Mrs. Calloway, Grace, the resident ditz of a cow, and go find Slims. Once found they’ll turn him into the law, and collect the reward money.

This here is why I dislike this movie. The plot is so udderly (Ha, because they are cows! Get it? I didn’t mean to type it that way, it just happened…) ridiculous. Three cows going out into the desert would never be able to survive, let alone capture a dangerous criminal. I don’t care if it’s a cartoon! That doesn’t excuse them from some forms of logic and reason!

Maybe if this film had some other redeeming qualities to make up for a brainless plot, it would have worked better. But it didn’t. All of the jokes were corny, or unoriginal, or just plain bad. None of the characters were really creative, just kind of flat and boring. Rosanne played Maggie, and the sound of her voice makes me want to scratch out my own eardrums. No movie should ever make someone desire to remove one of their body parts. That is just messed up.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): No one likes any of these later Disney movies. I don’t really blame them.

Best Song: “Where barely is heard, a discouraging word…”

Best Part: The peglegged jack rabbit. 

Number Forty Six: Chicken Little

Chicken Little

2005

No. This did not happen. I cannot believe it. As you probably noticed, this is movie number forty six. Yesterday was number forty four. I messed up. I didn’t check the list. I have a list you know. It is color coded and everything! I should have checked the list. I should have watched Home on the Range instead. But no. I didn’t. AHHH!

You know what; it’s not a big deal. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes right? Right! So I’ll talk about Chicken Little instead. It’s okay. Really! It is. I think. I hate making mistakes.

Chicken Little thinks the sky is falling, just like he traditionally does in most of his stories. In this case it really is. Not that anyone cares. They just consider him crazy, and continue to do so for a year. This makes him realize he must do something to impress everyone, including his father, who doesn’t seem to care about poor little Chicken. What’s a son to do?

Join the baseball team! Duh. Isn’t that every father’s dream? To have his son be in sports? I wouldn’t know, as I am a girl, and my dad knows that I have absolutely zero athletic ability. In case it wasn’t obvious by the name, Chicken is very little. Barely being able to hold a baseball bat, Chicken becomes the team’s benchwarmer.

Until the final big game that is. The other team had been playing quite a rough game, and broke most of the Acorns’, that’s the team name, star players. What is it called when there is only one player left to bat in the game? Because whatever that term is, that is what Chicken was up to do. Fortunately for him, he scores a home run, and the respect of the town.

It would be his luck that on the evening of his celebration, the sky would start falling again. A bizarre octagon enters Chicken’s room. Understandably, Chicken begins to panic. Freaking out even more after he discovers that the octagon has a chameleon like ability to blend in to its surrounding, Chicken quickly calls over his best friends, Runt, Abby, and Fish. Eventually, they discover that the piece was to a spaceship. This discovery further frightens the group. They try to warn the town, but no one believes Chicken Little anymore. He’s cried wolf too many times for them. However, once the aliens start to disintegrate people, the townspeople begin to believe Chicken and they too join in on the panic party.

Everything works out just fine though. Chicken realizes that the aliens are just after their baby, and once they give him back to his parents, they skip off to another planet. Everyone appreciates Chicken, and they probably live happily ever after.

Of course they do. Why can’t Disney ever have everyone live off terribly ever after? I think a good tragedy is just what this canon is missing. Why can’t they remake Othello or something? Well, maybe they shouldn’t. They’d probably give it a happy ending, like Iago and Othello would overcome their problems and become best buddies. The idea of such butchering really makes me want to throw up.

This movie was not good. It was SO predictable. I do not like uncreative plots. They make me not happy. Do they make anyone happy? Maybe five year olds. I am not a five year old. I demand inventive plots! Is that too much to ask? It is? Great. At least I only have five more movies left! Soon I’ll be able to watch grown up movies again! Yippee!

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): My family.

Best Song: “Wannabe.” Shut up. I like this song. I can hear your snickering through the computer! Stop it!

Best Part: There was this bull in this movie, and he was the proud owner of a China shop. Heehee. 

Number Forty Four: Brother Bear

Brother Bear

2003 

I am going to be honest. I fell asleep while watching Brother Bear. You can’t blame me! I’ve been watching these movies for the past forty some-odd days. I’m allowed to go to Dreamworld sometimes! Besides, this movie was so utterly boring, I don’t think it’s possible to stay conscious during it. I’ve never been able to accomplish it anyway.

A probably very long time ago, there lived a tribe of crazy people. They believed in Great Spirits, and that killing bears that eat family members is wrong. This is what happens to Bear Man. He has a real name, of course, it’s just weird and I don’t remember. His brother is eaten by a bear. This makes Bear Man very angry, so he goes off to kill the bear. No one likes this plan, because it goes against the whole totem ceremony that just occurred. A totem ceremony is where the person will get an action to live by, like wisdom or guidance, or love in Bear Man’s case. Let’s just say when he found out his totem was love, he was really upset. I think I would be too, but I don’t really understand the whole totem thing, so I probably wouldn’t care.

Because he was mean and killed a bear, the Spirits turned him into one. This is why I call him Bear Man. Now he has to learn to be nice to everything, as a bear.

… This movie makes no sense! Or maybe I slept during an important part. But, I think this movie is just really ridiculous. How would turning someone into a bear make them appreciate things? Or maybe they just want him to appreciate bears? But why? Who cares if he kills a bear that killed his brother? Wouldn’t that be a good thing? Getting rid of a vicious bear? See! This movie is dumb.

And you know what? The brother didn’t even die! So what was the point of anything? I don’t know. The bear really did die though! That was bad, because the bear turned out to be the mom of a cub Bear Man befriended. This made Bear Man feel bad.

After a while, Bear Man decides to stay a bear, for some unknown to me reason. It’s so stupid! Why would anyone want to stay a bear? Unless they were crazy, of course. Then that would make sense. Well, maybe more sense. It doesn’t really matter, none of this movie made sense!

Besides the movie not making sense, it also was incredibly dull. A movie can make no sense and still be incredibly interesting! But when a movie is both baffling and boring, it makes for a horrible time. Unless you spend that time snoozing, then life is wonderful.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): I honestly don’t remember…

Best Song: N/A

Best Part: Falling asleep!

Number Forty Three: Treasure Planet

Treasure Planet

2002

I’m in love with my DVR. Being able to record stuff that I don’t really need to watch, like My Strange Addiction (for the record this show is awesome, even if it is a waste of time!) makes me happy. Do you know what’s even better than recording random shows that probably kill brain cells? Finding out you can record Disney movies that you are forcing yourself to watch! It’s truly excellent, as I saved a whole dollar and a trip to Blockbuster today! Woohoo!

This movie makes me happy. The storyline of Treasure Island, the book this movie is based after, has always been a favorite of mine. I mean, it had pirates! What more could someone want? Don’t say ninjas. Everyone knows that pirates would beat ninjas if it came down to a death match. Everyone knows that right? Right? Don’t tell me you are Team Ninja. That’d break my heart.

Jim Hawkins is a scoundrel of a kid. He loves to get in trouble, driving his poor distraught mother insane. One day, a sailor kind of guy crashes at the Hawkins’ family inn. I’m not sure what to call him, since this is set in space, so he’s not a sailor. Whatever. I’ll just call him Billy Bones, since that’s his name. Works for me!

Bones is injured, and dying, and looks like a turtle. While dying, he gives Jim a cube. No. Not a cube. A sphere. That’s something completely different. It’s a sphere. After he dies, a bunch of pirates come and burn down the inn. Are they pirates? I’m so confused.  Luckily Jim, his mommy, and Niles from Frasier all escape safely. Once in a better location, one that is actually not on fire, they discover the SPHERE is actually a map to a treasure planet, a planet they had only heard of in stories.

Now they must find it! Niles, really a dog type alien, and Jim find a crew and take off to find the treasure. Of course they find a corrupt crew! That would be their luck. Will they be able to find the treasure? Or will the crew win? Well wouldn’t you like to know!

You would like to know? Well then why don’t you go watch this movie? It’s a great idea! Because this was a good movie. I’ve always liked this movie. Ever since I was nine and I saw this in theatres, I’ve adored it. It probably has to do with the fact pirates have always been cool in my world. Even though these aren’t really pirates. But they are? They have ships. But they are in space. Does that make them spaceships? So are the astronaut pirates? Now I am REALLY confused. Astrates. That sounds like something unpleasant. I swear I’m not crazy.

Besides the whatever they are, this movie is just fun. It’s a good action cartoon. It’s not mindblowingly fantastic, but it’s still quite entertaining. And that’s good enough for a “children’s” film I think. Right? I’m not crazy!

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): I think people have given up watching these with me. Losers!

Best Song: N/A

Best Part: Morph! He’s a pink blob of cuteness. He’s like a Ditto from Pokemon, but cuter. I feel way too nerdy after I made that reference. 

Number Forty Two: Lilo and Stitch

Lilo and Stitch

2002

I had the privilege of watching this movie with real live people! Who weren’t related to me! Not that I don’t love my family, I do, but when you haven’t seen anyone but them for six days, people your age are a lovely thing.

Stitch is an evil scientist’s creation. If an evil scientist creates something, it will also likely be evil. As he is evil, he is detained by the alien (oh he’s an alien too) police and his maker is sent to prison. This works for about five minutes. Stitch is a crazy little guy and is able to escape to Hawaii by spaceship.

On Hawaii lives a little girl named Lilo. She’s a loon. No really. She makes voodoo dolls in the likeness of her “friends” out of spoons and sticks them in pickle juice, as her friends must be “punished.” Talk about disturbed. It probably has something to do with the fact both of her parents are dead. Of course they are. This is a Disney movie after all. Poor parents. They never had a chance.

In a series of events that are too long to describe here, Lilo adopts Stitch, since she thinks he is a dog, is almost put in foster care by her social worker Mr. Bubbles, teaches Stitch to behave, Stitch learns the meaning of ohona, and together they beat up the mean alien cop, Gantu, which means they can live happily together not in foster care. Yay!

This movie is cute. It’s not fantastic like say, The Lion King, but it’s not horrid like other ones I have had to watch. Fantasia 2000 comes to mind in that category. It’s pleasant enough. All in all, it is not a waste of an hour and a half.

Just for the record, I would have written more, but I only have three more minutes till midnight. I really need to work on my timing. Maybe I’ll have it down by the last blog.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Elliott and Leslie! Yippee!

Best Song: It wasn’t technically a musical, but I did like the soundtrack. It was a weird mixture of Elvis and traditional Hawaiian music. Odd but good. Still no real song to chose from.

Best Part: The frog, calmly watching Stitch get run over by three semi trucks. 

Number Forty One: Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Atlantis: The Lost Empire

2001

If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I am a highly opinionated person. This is probably the reason I have a blog, so I can broadcast my opinion to the entire world! Or whoever happens to be reading this. I just like to think that the whole world is, it makes me feel happy. However, this movie is confusing me, as I have no opinion on it. I don’t understand this new feeling I have encountered.

Milo is a nerd. I mean really, he spends all his time learning dead languages. He lives alone with his cat. No one wants to be his friend, or colleague, or really have much of anything to do with him. This is mainly due to the fact he is obsessed with finding the lost continent of Atlantis, which supposedly sunk many thousand years ago. Everyone just considers him crazy and attempts avoiding him at all cost.

Everyone that is except John Mahoney! Okay, in this movie his character’s name is Whitmore, but whatever, he’s an awesome actor. Anyway, Whitmore was tight buddies with Milo’s grandfather. Whitmore made him a bet that if he could find the Sheppard’s Journal, this map/guide/rule book/history for Atlantis, he would fund a trip to find the lost world, and kiss Milo’s grandpa on the mouth! He didn’t think the book existed you see. 

Let’s just say things got slightly awkward for their relationship once he found the book in Iceland.

Sadly, Grandpa died before Whitman could fulfill the other half of his promise. So instead, Milo gets the trip to Atlantis! Woohoo! He’s packed and ready to go within minutes, with a top of the line crew and everything!

This all happens within the first ten minutes or so of film. I think finding this journal, the key to proving Atlantis real, should have been slightly more difficult than it literally being dropped into Milo’s hands. I mean really! A good explorer/scientist/adventurer would have had to spend at least thirty minutes or screen time looking for it. I guess I am starting to form an opinion after all!

Now that he has his dream voyage, disaster of course strikes. The entrance to Atlantis is guarded by a giant mechanical lobster that attempts to chop ships in half with its huge claws. Most of the crew dies from its attacks. It’s refreshing to see a Disney movie kill off hundreds of people. This does not make me a psycho. Shut up!

With the few remaining people left, they finally arrive at Atlantis. At first, the people there find them threatening, but when the princess, Kida, discovers that Milo can speak Atlantian (?) she realizes how useful he would be to her.

Roughly eight thousand years ago, a huge explosion/catastrophe/something happened to Atlantis that made it sink. Once it sunk, people lost a lot of their technology and forgot how to read the old language. This was a part of the movie I don’t understand. First of all, Kida has been around those 8,000 years, because they all live extremely long lives due to magic crystals. So shouldn’t they remember the language? Maybe I missed something, or Atlatians could just be morons. You never know.

Since Milo knows how to read this ancient language, Kida takes him underwater to read a mural. The mural states that all the people and the city is alive due to the Heart of Atlantis, a god type power. Sometimes it eats a random royal family member when it gets angry, like Kida’s mom. Why it does this, is very confusing. Maybe every few millennia it gets hungry.

Now that they know what the mural says, they return to the others. Of course, all of Milo’s crew has gone bad, and they want to steal the Heart and use it as a power source. First they have to locate it. Once they do, they all discover that the Heart is a weird glowing orb of energy. The orb absorbs Kida, for reasons I do not understand. All I know is that it is bad when it does that.

Well it sort of absorbs her. A more accurate thing to say would be that she absorbed it, and now is blue and stone like. The crew tries to take her back to America, but they fail, as most of the crew decides to grow a conscience and not steal the life force of a civilization. Good for them! 

Two bad guys still remain, but they are quickly taken care of, and Kida is safely restored, as is the Heart. Milo decides to stay back in Atlantis, and the crew returned home laden with treasure from happy Atlantians. So everyone is fairly happy, probably forever, and it ends.

I still don’t know what to think. On the one hand, it was entertaining. It had enough action to keep me engaged for the full length. On the other hand it was just, meh. It wasn’t that special. I hardly remember most of it, and I only watched it a few hours ago. But it wasn’t bad. It just wasn’t necessarily good. I hate not knowing what I think.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Now that my parents are home, hopefully I can start watching these movies with people again. I hate having to watch movies alone, like I had to do today. Sniffle.

Best Song: None! Boo!

Best Part: The guy who owned a flower shop, then decided blowing things up was a better career idea. Talk about a drastic change. 

Number Forty: The Emperor's New Groove

The Emperor’s New Groove

2000

Did you know that there is a difference between alpacas and llamas? Alpacas have better hair to turn into wool, as it is softer. An ounce of fiber from an alpaca typically cost about twenty dollars. I don’t remember how many pounds you get off of on alpaca in shearing season, but enough to produce a few thousand dollars of fleece. I did not google or look up any of this information, I know it all because I used to be the president of a 4H alpaca club. Shut up. It was awesome.

Sadly, alpacas are not in this movie. Their lesser relatives, llamas, are though! The main character, Kuzco is even turned into one! The name Kuzco always reminds me of couscous, a type of grain. Fun fact! I can’t eat it! Well, I guess that wasn’t really a fun fact, just a random fact. Anyway. Kuzco totally deserved his transformation. He’s a royal jerk. Really. He is the Incan emperor, and a very nasty one at that.

Do you know what the most common letter in the English language is? The letter E. Guess which letter on my keyboard only works is you push it REALLY hard? Poor Bobo.

Kuzco made the mistake of firing Yzma, an ancient evil lady with triangle boobs at her waist. She really makes your eyes hurt after awhile of staring at her. I bet that’s why Kuzco got rid of her. It also could be the fact she was trying to rule his country behind his back. Just maybe.

In revenge, Yzma and her assistant Kronk attempt to poison Kuzco. Instead they accidentally turn him into a llama, as Kronk is an idiot and cannot read labels. To fix his mistake, Yzma orders Kronk to dispose of the llama. As he is about to throw the emperor off a bridge, his conscience gets the best of him and he decides murdering the emperor is a bad idea. Too bad he’s still a ditz and ends up losing Kuzco in the marketplace.

Kuzco, still unconscious from a previous knock on the head with a broccoli bowl, find himself on the cart of a peasant. As luck would have it, it is the same peasant that earlier in the day Kuzco told that he would have to vacate his property ASAP, as Kuzco was going to build a summer house on Pacha’s, (that’s the peasant) land. See I told you he was a jerk.

Do you know how hard it is to type with a screwy E key? VERY. So I am going to make this quick. Pacha is nice, he helps Kuzco back home, they defeat Yzma, by turning her into an adorable kitten, and Kuzco learns to not be a narcissist. Yay for everyone!

I might be making a big statement with what I am about to say. I think The Emperor’s New Groove is, in my opinion, the funniest Disney movie. Out of the ones that I have seen, of course. But since I have seen forty nine, I think I can safely say it. Every time I watch it, this movie just gets funnier! I could quote it forever. “Why do we even have that lever?” “Beware the groove!” “I’ve been turned into a cow, can I go home now?” "For the last time we did not order a giant trampoline!" I could go on. But instead, I think I’ll just tell you to watch this movie. Ignore the fact parts of the story can be very predictable. As long as you’re laughing it doesn’t matter right*?

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): My siblings, of whom I have been watching for six days now. I miss my parents…

Best Song: N/A

Best Part: “Pull the lever Kronk! Wrong lever!!” 

*Sometimes, this statement is false. A movie being funny does not always make up for a cliche story line, but this time is an exception.

Number Thirty Nine: Dinosaur

Dinosaur

2000

I am going to keep this very simple. I really disliked this movie. Imagine if everything that could ever go wrong in a dinosaur’s life actually happened to one. Dead family? Check. Nearly eaten multiple times by bigger dinosaurs? Yep! Getting attacked by asteroids? Of course! All of this happens to the poor Aladar the dino throughout the 82 minutes of this dreadful movie.

Not that it was completely horrendous. It was pretty. But, really, if all that mattered in film was that it was pretty, people would probably be better off staring at a Picasso or Van Gough.

What a movie really needs to be great is an engaging storyline. This was movie was so cliché. It ripped off Land Before Time in every way it could. In fact, the only thought that I was thinking this whole time, besides “Ohhhh when will this be over?!” was “Man, I really want to watch The Land Before Time now!” It’s quite depressing that it was not a Disney movie.

Also, Dinosaur is a terrible name. That is all.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Oh goodness. Many. Every one of my siblings, including Kristynn, her friend Jonathan, my cousin and her two kids, and my aunt. A lot.

Best Song: Another reason why this movie was terrible. It had no music!

Best Part: When all the dinosaurs were hit with asteroids. Heehee. 

Number Thirty Eight: Fantasia 2000

Fantasia 2000

1999

Dear Disney,

Why? Why Disney? Why do you do things like this to me? What have I ever done to you? I’ve only occasionally made fun of some of your less than great films. But can you really blame me? Have you yourself ever sat down and watched The Three Caballeros? Or Pocahontas? I am beginning to think you possibly are not able to screen all of your movies beforehand.

I understand if you don’t have time to do that. I know you are busy doing many other things, like creating fantastic movies like The Lion King or Dumbo or even Sleeping Beauty. But really. This time it’s a bit ridiculous.

 You didn’t have to do this. Fantasia was by itself a masterpiece of animated film. It was beautiful and groundbreaking. It set the tone for many things that were to come. It was creative genius at its best. You didn’t need to produce this movie. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “let well enough alone?” I think it could apply to you sometimes.

Today I had the misfortune of watching Fantasia 2000. I did not enjoy it. I had to watch it twice actually. The first time I fell asleep. Disney, if you are making movies that put people to sleep, I say you must reexamine yourself.

            Disney, why did you include The Sorcerer’s Apprentice? Now you have to steal from the original? I understand that you cannot make another film like Fantasia, but trying to make one exactly like it is just wrong.

You have failed me Disney. Please don’t do it again.

With most of the time great love,

Kelsey

Number Thirty Seven: Tarzan

Tarzan

1999

I’m so depressed now. Today marked the last film of the Renaissance chunk in Disney’s history. Which means today was the last good movie Disney produced for a very long time… Sigh. But if they have to end an era, Tarzan is a good way to do it.  

I am fairly certain even if you haven’t seen this particular version, that you would know the basic story of Tarzan. Tarzan was a man who was raised by apes in the jungle. He swings on vines, wears a loin cloth, the whole nine yards.

In this version, Tarzan is raised by apes for two reasons. I have never read the real version, or really seen any other movies about him, so I have no idea if his origins vary from telling. I do know that here Tarzan’s parents were eaten by a vicious cheetah/leopard/whatever thing. It’s the same cheeardver (That’s cheetah, leopard, and whatever smashed together, in case you couldn’t figure it out) that devoured an ape named Kala’s baby. Since Tarzan was out a couple of parents, Kala decided to adopt him, as a kind of replacement for her baby that is no longer.

Kerchak, Kala’s husband, or partner, or whatever apes have, does not like the idea of including a human in his family, but eventually allows Kala to keep Tarzan. He grows up to be a somewhat mischievous, but good hearted, young apeman.

Then one day, everything changes. Jane comes to the jungle. Jane is, well she’s Jane! Everyone knows who Jane is! She’s Tarzan’s girl. She comes to the jungle with her father to study gorillas. Are gorillas apes? I don’t know! If you do, tell me. Otherwise, I’m going to assume they are the same thing.

While she is there, Jane is attacked by a group of baboons. Tarzan saves her from these baboons. I almost typed balloons. I don’t think she would need saving from a balloon attach though. That’d be kind of pathetic.

After he rescues her, she begins to teach him English, and all about human culture. Eventually they fall in love. Duh.

One day, it is time for Jane to return home to England. This is upsetting to her for two reasons. One, she hasn’t actually seen any gorillas. Two, she doesn’t want to leave Tarzan. In an attempt to make her stay with him, Tarzan lets her meet his family. This makes Jane happy, but she still must leave. So Tarzan decides to go with her. This makes Jane very happy.

But alas, the happiness is not to last. It turns out Jane’s bodyguard, Clayton, is evil, and wants to kidnap all the apes. He locks Jane and Tarzan in a cage, then goes back into the jungle with his crew of evil. Crew of evil. I like that. I’m going to use that in daily conversation now.

Everything works out in the end. Tarzan’s elephant and ape friend come rescue him, and he in turn saves the rest of his family. Except Kerchek. He dies. And so does Clayton. But that’s a good death. Jane and her father decide to stay in the jungle, and everyone is happy, forever after. The end.

I think it’d be awesome to live like an ape. Swing around on vines, eat bugs, never shower. That sounds kind of nice doesn’t it? Well the first part does. Bugs and being stinky, not so much. Tarzan didn’t seem to mind that though!

This movie is so cool. It’s not funny, or heartwarming, or endearing. Well it can be, but if I had to chose one word to describe it, that word would be cool. With the vine swinging, cheeardver killing, bad guy strangling action, all I can say is this is one terrific children’s movie.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): My family. More people need to volunteer to watch these with me. Come on people!

Best Song: Well Phil Collins did the soundtrack. I love Phil Collins. I don’t care what that makes you think of me. I love him. And I love “You’ll Be In My Heart” the best.

Best Part: Tantar the elephant’s line “Is this water sanitary? It looks questionable to me!”