Number Forty: The Emperor's New Groove

The Emperor’s New Groove

2000

Did you know that there is a difference between alpacas and llamas? Alpacas have better hair to turn into wool, as it is softer. An ounce of fiber from an alpaca typically cost about twenty dollars. I don’t remember how many pounds you get off of on alpaca in shearing season, but enough to produce a few thousand dollars of fleece. I did not google or look up any of this information, I know it all because I used to be the president of a 4H alpaca club. Shut up. It was awesome.

Sadly, alpacas are not in this movie. Their lesser relatives, llamas, are though! The main character, Kuzco is even turned into one! The name Kuzco always reminds me of couscous, a type of grain. Fun fact! I can’t eat it! Well, I guess that wasn’t really a fun fact, just a random fact. Anyway. Kuzco totally deserved his transformation. He’s a royal jerk. Really. He is the Incan emperor, and a very nasty one at that.

Do you know what the most common letter in the English language is? The letter E. Guess which letter on my keyboard only works is you push it REALLY hard? Poor Bobo.

Kuzco made the mistake of firing Yzma, an ancient evil lady with triangle boobs at her waist. She really makes your eyes hurt after awhile of staring at her. I bet that’s why Kuzco got rid of her. It also could be the fact she was trying to rule his country behind his back. Just maybe.

In revenge, Yzma and her assistant Kronk attempt to poison Kuzco. Instead they accidentally turn him into a llama, as Kronk is an idiot and cannot read labels. To fix his mistake, Yzma orders Kronk to dispose of the llama. As he is about to throw the emperor off a bridge, his conscience gets the best of him and he decides murdering the emperor is a bad idea. Too bad he’s still a ditz and ends up losing Kuzco in the marketplace.

Kuzco, still unconscious from a previous knock on the head with a broccoli bowl, find himself on the cart of a peasant. As luck would have it, it is the same peasant that earlier in the day Kuzco told that he would have to vacate his property ASAP, as Kuzco was going to build a summer house on Pacha’s, (that’s the peasant) land. See I told you he was a jerk.

Do you know how hard it is to type with a screwy E key? VERY. So I am going to make this quick. Pacha is nice, he helps Kuzco back home, they defeat Yzma, by turning her into an adorable kitten, and Kuzco learns to not be a narcissist. Yay for everyone!

I might be making a big statement with what I am about to say. I think The Emperor’s New Groove is, in my opinion, the funniest Disney movie. Out of the ones that I have seen, of course. But since I have seen forty nine, I think I can safely say it. Every time I watch it, this movie just gets funnier! I could quote it forever. “Why do we even have that lever?” “Beware the groove!” “I’ve been turned into a cow, can I go home now?” "For the last time we did not order a giant trampoline!" I could go on. But instead, I think I’ll just tell you to watch this movie. Ignore the fact parts of the story can be very predictable. As long as you’re laughing it doesn’t matter right*?

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): My siblings, of whom I have been watching for six days now. I miss my parents…

Best Song: N/A

Best Part: “Pull the lever Kronk! Wrong lever!!” 

*Sometimes, this statement is false. A movie being funny does not always make up for a cliche story line, but this time is an exception.

Number Thirty Nine: Dinosaur

Dinosaur

2000

I am going to keep this very simple. I really disliked this movie. Imagine if everything that could ever go wrong in a dinosaur’s life actually happened to one. Dead family? Check. Nearly eaten multiple times by bigger dinosaurs? Yep! Getting attacked by asteroids? Of course! All of this happens to the poor Aladar the dino throughout the 82 minutes of this dreadful movie.

Not that it was completely horrendous. It was pretty. But, really, if all that mattered in film was that it was pretty, people would probably be better off staring at a Picasso or Van Gough.

What a movie really needs to be great is an engaging storyline. This was movie was so cliché. It ripped off Land Before Time in every way it could. In fact, the only thought that I was thinking this whole time, besides “Ohhhh when will this be over?!” was “Man, I really want to watch The Land Before Time now!” It’s quite depressing that it was not a Disney movie.

Also, Dinosaur is a terrible name. That is all.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Oh goodness. Many. Every one of my siblings, including Kristynn, her friend Jonathan, my cousin and her two kids, and my aunt. A lot.

Best Song: Another reason why this movie was terrible. It had no music!

Best Part: When all the dinosaurs were hit with asteroids. Heehee. 

Number Thirty Eight: Fantasia 2000

Fantasia 2000

1999

Dear Disney,

Why? Why Disney? Why do you do things like this to me? What have I ever done to you? I’ve only occasionally made fun of some of your less than great films. But can you really blame me? Have you yourself ever sat down and watched The Three Caballeros? Or Pocahontas? I am beginning to think you possibly are not able to screen all of your movies beforehand.

I understand if you don’t have time to do that. I know you are busy doing many other things, like creating fantastic movies like The Lion King or Dumbo or even Sleeping Beauty. But really. This time it’s a bit ridiculous.

 You didn’t have to do this. Fantasia was by itself a masterpiece of animated film. It was beautiful and groundbreaking. It set the tone for many things that were to come. It was creative genius at its best. You didn’t need to produce this movie. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “let well enough alone?” I think it could apply to you sometimes.

Today I had the misfortune of watching Fantasia 2000. I did not enjoy it. I had to watch it twice actually. The first time I fell asleep. Disney, if you are making movies that put people to sleep, I say you must reexamine yourself.

            Disney, why did you include The Sorcerer’s Apprentice? Now you have to steal from the original? I understand that you cannot make another film like Fantasia, but trying to make one exactly like it is just wrong.

You have failed me Disney. Please don’t do it again.

With most of the time great love,

Kelsey

Number Thirty Seven: Tarzan

Tarzan

1999

I’m so depressed now. Today marked the last film of the Renaissance chunk in Disney’s history. Which means today was the last good movie Disney produced for a very long time… Sigh. But if they have to end an era, Tarzan is a good way to do it.  

I am fairly certain even if you haven’t seen this particular version, that you would know the basic story of Tarzan. Tarzan was a man who was raised by apes in the jungle. He swings on vines, wears a loin cloth, the whole nine yards.

In this version, Tarzan is raised by apes for two reasons. I have never read the real version, or really seen any other movies about him, so I have no idea if his origins vary from telling. I do know that here Tarzan’s parents were eaten by a vicious cheetah/leopard/whatever thing. It’s the same cheeardver (That’s cheetah, leopard, and whatever smashed together, in case you couldn’t figure it out) that devoured an ape named Kala’s baby. Since Tarzan was out a couple of parents, Kala decided to adopt him, as a kind of replacement for her baby that is no longer.

Kerchak, Kala’s husband, or partner, or whatever apes have, does not like the idea of including a human in his family, but eventually allows Kala to keep Tarzan. He grows up to be a somewhat mischievous, but good hearted, young apeman.

Then one day, everything changes. Jane comes to the jungle. Jane is, well she’s Jane! Everyone knows who Jane is! She’s Tarzan’s girl. She comes to the jungle with her father to study gorillas. Are gorillas apes? I don’t know! If you do, tell me. Otherwise, I’m going to assume they are the same thing.

While she is there, Jane is attacked by a group of baboons. Tarzan saves her from these baboons. I almost typed balloons. I don’t think she would need saving from a balloon attach though. That’d be kind of pathetic.

After he rescues her, she begins to teach him English, and all about human culture. Eventually they fall in love. Duh.

One day, it is time for Jane to return home to England. This is upsetting to her for two reasons. One, she hasn’t actually seen any gorillas. Two, she doesn’t want to leave Tarzan. In an attempt to make her stay with him, Tarzan lets her meet his family. This makes Jane happy, but she still must leave. So Tarzan decides to go with her. This makes Jane very happy.

But alas, the happiness is not to last. It turns out Jane’s bodyguard, Clayton, is evil, and wants to kidnap all the apes. He locks Jane and Tarzan in a cage, then goes back into the jungle with his crew of evil. Crew of evil. I like that. I’m going to use that in daily conversation now.

Everything works out in the end. Tarzan’s elephant and ape friend come rescue him, and he in turn saves the rest of his family. Except Kerchek. He dies. And so does Clayton. But that’s a good death. Jane and her father decide to stay in the jungle, and everyone is happy, forever after. The end.

I think it’d be awesome to live like an ape. Swing around on vines, eat bugs, never shower. That sounds kind of nice doesn’t it? Well the first part does. Bugs and being stinky, not so much. Tarzan didn’t seem to mind that though!

This movie is so cool. It’s not funny, or heartwarming, or endearing. Well it can be, but if I had to chose one word to describe it, that word would be cool. With the vine swinging, cheeardver killing, bad guy strangling action, all I can say is this is one terrific children’s movie.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): My family. More people need to volunteer to watch these with me. Come on people!

Best Song: Well Phil Collins did the soundtrack. I love Phil Collins. I don’t care what that makes you think of me. I love him. And I love “You’ll Be In My Heart” the best.

Best Part: Tantar the elephant’s line “Is this water sanitary? It looks questionable to me!”

Number Thirty Six: Mulan

Mulan

1998

My computer is bizarre. It has this odd spot on it that looks like a cross between a black hole and an Easter egg. Talk about a weird combination. It’s irksome though, it keeps growing larger and I have no idea why it is there or what it is going to do. I bet it has evil plans to crash my computer, like a secret spy that likes to wear neon colors. This makes sense I swear. Have I also mentioned it’s late? Because it is. Very.

This above paragraph has nothing to do with Mulan. Computers weren’t even around when she was, you know, in ancient China.

Mulan is a girl. This is important, as the whole point of the movie is that she takes her father’s place in the army. Girls were not allowed to fight in ancient China. If they did, it was punishable by death. But since her father was suffering from a war injury already, Mulan bravely stole his orders, cut off her hair, and went to war. While there she beat up the Huns, made some friends, fell in love with her captain, had her true gender discovered, and went on to save China from an invasion. She was one hardcore chick.

Which is why I love this movie. Finally, we have a heroine who actually can take care of herself. In fact, not just herself, all of China! She was completely capable of handling herself, and didn’t just sit around waiting for Prince Charming to show up. Basically, she was awesome.

Besides the fantastic protagonist, this movie is terrifically drawn (it’s got the traditional watercolor look going for it), full of hilarious characters (Mushu for example. Best Disney character ever) and is exciting. I love it. A lot.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): My family.

Best Song: “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.” I sing this song around the house whenever I am doing anything that could be perceived as challenging.

Best Part: Anything Mushu says, ever. “Let’s go kick some Hunybuns!”

Number Thirty Five: Hercules

Hercules

1997

I’m ancient. This fact has been decided tonight, as I remembered the first movie I’d ever seen in theatres was in fact Hercules. The fact that I can remember this event that occurred FOURTEEN years ago makes me feel older than dirt. Goodness.

A long time ago Zeus, you know the head Greek god, shoved a group of evil doers called titans into a tiny hole at the bottom of the ocean. They were going around and melting people with lava, or causing earthquakes, general bad things. So really, they all deserved to go underground. This will be important later.

Fast forward a few years. Zeus and his goddess wife Hera have had an adorable baby boy, Hercules. At his birthday celebration, the entire god population of Mount Olympus gathers, including Hades, Zeus’ brother. He’s the god of the Underworld, and he really hates it. His job must be Hell. Ha! Get it?

Hades is very upset at Zeus, because he stuck him with the Underworld job. To make matters worse, he finds out from the Fates that Hercules is going to end up ruining his plans for using the titans to overthrow Zeus. See I told you they’d be important.

To ensure this does not happen, Hades has his henchmen Pain and Panic, kidnap Hercules, attempt to make him mortal, and then kill him. They make it to step two, turning him mortal. Mostly. He still “retains his godlike strength” as he did not drink the potion they gave him fully. A farming couple finds him and adopts Hercules as their own child.

Hercules grows up to be a stong misfit. He scares everyone off with his strength. One day, after destroying a shopping center, his parents finally sit him down and tell him the truth about his identity.

That’d be kind of a big surprise you know? “Hey honey guess what? You’re a god! We’ve been meaning to tell you that, it just kind of slipped my mind. Oops!” Yeah, I don’t think I’d like discovering that. Not at all.

Herc handles it quite well; he just takes off to go talk to his real daddy in his temple. Zeus is thrilled to finally see his long lost son, but sadly must inform him that Hercules is not able to come back home to Mount Olympus quite yet. In order to achieve his title of god again, he must prove himself to be a hero. How will he do this? Zeus doesn’t tell him! He’s got to figure it out.

Not to worry! He finds a trainer, Phil the satyr, to help him toughen up. After months of hard work, Phil declares him ready to start heroizing stuff. Can I make that an official word?

Phil has Herc start off in Thebes, a completely twisted and warped city. Before they can even get to the mental city, Herc and Phil make a detour to save a basic DID. That’s a damsel in distress, for those of you who don’t know. This particular damsel is named Meg, and she really doesn’t need saving. Really. Hercules doesn’t listen, and beats up the centaur that was holding Meg captive.

After the centaur is rendered useless, Hercules goes over to talk to Meg, and once he does, he is totally smitten with her and her independent, sarcastic ways. Little does he know that she actually is an agent for Hades, since she sold her soul to him. This could put a damper on their relationship methinks.

Herc finally gets to Thebes, and after destroying a monster Hades sent for him, wins the hearts of the people there. He continues to keep their hearts after he kills each creepy creature that Hades throws his way.

Finally, Hades knows the right creature to use. He uses Meg to find out Hercules weakness. There is only one problem with this; Meg has developed a crush on Hercules. Not that she’ll admit it. No. Never. Badly hurt by the last guy she fell for, Meg has sworn of men forever. Until she met Hercules, this was going well for her. Now she doesn’t know what to do.

Hades does though! He used the fact Hercules and Meg have a thing going to his advantage. Tricking Hercules into giving up his strength for one day after he shows Hercules that he is holding Meg prisoner, Hades then reveals she was sort of working for him. This piece of information crushed Herc’s heart. He doesn’t even care that Hades then lets loose his army of titans and starts to ruin all of Earth. Nope. He’d rather be depressed because some girl was using him, but not really. Wimp. And people call him a hero…

With the help of Phil, Meg finally convinces Hercules that she’s a good person and to fight back. It turns out Hercules doesn’t need godlike strength to defeat the Cyclops titan. He can do it with just a piece of rope and quick thinking! Yay!

Well, not so yay. When the Cyclops goes down, a pillar nearly falls on Hercules. Only nearly because Meg pushed him out of the way, and it crushes her. The good news is Hercules gets his strength back because of this! Bad news is Meg is dead.

Hercules is fueled with rage now, so he quickly saves Mount Olympus from the invasion of titans, and then beats up Hades down in the Underworld, all before retrieving Meg’s soul from the river of dead. So she’s not dead anymore! Yay!

Hercules finally achieves his position of god again, but after realizing that means he can’t be with Meg, he decides to stay mortal and live with her. The end.

During the past summer, my then two year old sister loved this movie. I mean, LOVED this movie. As in would watch it at least three times a day LOVED this movie. So. When I watched it again today, I marveled at the fact that I had every. Single. Word. Memorized. It was exceedingly ridiculous. I didn’t even really need to rewatch it; I could just play it from memory!

I am glad I did watch it again though. Because I freakin love this movie. It’s probably, in my opinion, the funniest of all Disney movies. Its humor only increased for me in years, as I now understand all the mythology references. I knew reading Oedipus would one day come in handy! Lovely drawn, intriguing characters, wonderful music, all of these added make this film delightful.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Family and Leslie. Poor Leslie.

Best Song: “I Won’t Say I’m in Love.” My life song.

Best Part: The narrating muses. They’re hilarious. And can sing pretty well. Do you need more from a narrator?

Number Thirty Four: The Hunchback of Notre Dame

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

1996

I don’t like shoes. Really. I have claustrophobic toes. They don’t like to be enclosed in tight spaces ever. If forced to wear footwear, I’ll always go for flip flops, even in winter. But I’d always prefer to be barefoot. So would Esmeralda, the resident gypsy of this movie. I think I’d make a good gypsy. I’ve already got the whole anti shoe thing down. And if it means I’ll get a pet goat, sign me up!

Once upon a time in Paris, a gypsy is running away from the law with her baby. She attempts to go to Notre Dame Cathedral, but is stopped by Frollo, a judge, then promptly killed by him. Frollo is a bad man. So bad he takes the woman’s baby and nearly drops it down a well, because Frollo finds him ugly. Jerk.

Fortunately for the baby, the archdeacon for the church tells Frollo dropping babies down wells is a really bad thing to do, and commands him to raise the baby, since he killed the mother. Reluctantly, Frollo agrees to do this, as long as he can keep the “monster” in the bell tower at the cathedral. He names the baby Quasimodo, which means “half formed.” Jerk.

Quasimodo grows up to be a big strong man, due to the fact he spends his days ringing heavy bells. He’s also grown up to be extremely deformed, with a hunched back, and uneven face. But inside dwells a beautiful, gentle soul, somewhat content with his life. He would like to leave his bell tower though. He is a little bit tired of staying inside all the time, and he really wants to go to the Festival of Fools, but once he asks Frollo, who he believes saved him as a baby, Frollo says no. Jerk.

After consulting his gargoyle friends, Victor, Hugo, and Laverne, Quasimodo decides it’s an excellent idea to sneak out and visit the festival. There he meets the beautiful Esmeralda, and becomes quite enchanted with her. He’s not the only one. Phoebus, the captain of the Guard in Paris, also becomes quite enamored with the lovely girl. So does Frollo, but in a super creepy lustful way. Jerk.

While at the festival, Quasimodo is crowned the King of Fools, because he has the most hideous disguise. 

What the crowd people don’t know is that his actual face is the ugly thing. Once they find out, they begin to fling rotten fruit at him. Frollo looks on, pleased at their actions, because he believes it will teach Quasimodo a lesson. Jerk.

As she watches the crowd’s response, Esmeralda becomes appalled. She scolds everyone, Frollo included, saying that they should leave him alone. This makes Frollo mad, and he orders her arrest. Jerk.

Before she can be arrested, Esmeralda runs into Notre Dame, and is informed by Phoebus that she may claim Sanctuary. Once she does Frollo is unable to arrest her, but he can threaten to do so if she ever leaves the cathedral. Since she is a gypsy, Frollo knows that Esmeralda cannot stay inside forever. Jerk.

Esmeralda needs not worry. Quasimodo helps Esmeralda escape, as payback for helping him at the festival. In return for his help, Esmeralda gives him a map to the Court of Miracles, where all the gypsies dwell. Meanwhile, Frollo, driven by lust, orders a search for Esmeralda. He even burns down houses of innocent people. Jerk.

Phoebus can take no more of this, and he stands up against Frollo. Frollo reacts by ordering his death. Jerk.

Luckily for him, Phoebus is not killed, just injured, and Esmeralda rescues him. She takes him to Quasimodo so she can heal him in safety. As she is healing him, they begin to bond.  A very, very tight bond. While they are developing this special bond, Frollo returns. Thinking quickly, Quasimodo hides Phoebus under the table, and Esmeralda escapes. Frollo tells Quasimodo he plans on attacking the Court of Miracles at dawn to get rid of the gypsies. Jerk.

Quasimodo wakes up Phoebus and together they find the court to warn everyone there that the Guard is coming. They race off, only to find it was a trap to lead Frollo to the court. He captures Esmeralda, and prepares to burn her at the stake. Jerk.

In a blur of events, Quasimodo and Phoebus save Esmeralda, and Frollo falls off the cathedral. Yay! Bye jerk! All of the citizens learn to be more tolerant of people who are different, and Esmeralda and Phoebus kiss. The end.

Okay. I have decided that I like this movie. Kind of. Maybe? I’m not sure. I’ve decided that I have mixed feelings on this film. On the one hand, I do like that it has a deep message, that lack of tolerance (of religion, race, disabilities, ect., ) can lead to ones destruction, and I love that it’s okay with using dark themes and imagery to get this point across, even in a “children’s” movie.

On the other hand, they butchered the original story Victor Hugo created many a year ago. In the book, everyone dies. EVERYONE. Not just Frollo; Quasimodo, Esmeralda, Clopin, and many other gypsies and random people. Also, the actual characters themselves were messed up. Phoebus was one of the more evil people in the book, as he didn’t care about Esmeralda whatsoever and just wanted to sleep with her. Esmeralda herself was quiet and meek, nothing like her bold, loud personality in the movie. So as an avid book lover, this movie hurts me a little. But not badly enough, as it does have some redemptive qualities that make this not a total waste of ninety three minutes.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): I don’t think anyone watched this with me. This is getting depressing.

Best Song: “God Help the Outcast.” For a Disney movie, this song is surprisingly deep and profound.

Best Part: Hmm. I’ll get back to you on that one.