Number Eighteen: The Sword in the Stone

Sword in the Stone

1963

If I were an animal, I would be a squirrel. Cute, slightly insane, and never runs out of energy. This really has nothing to do with this movie, I just think it’d be awesome.

I bet if I was friends with Merlin, he’d let me be a squirrel. He would know how terrific of an idea that would be! It is now one of my goals in life to be friends with Merlin. I’ll have to work on that.

Merlin is a wizard. Duh. If you didn’t know that, then you need to move out of that rock you’re living under. He is also fantastic. Have I said that about him yet? Because seriously, he is. What’s not to love about a crazy old man who has a crazy long beard who holds crazy magic powers?

In this movie, Merlin helps out a little lad named Arthur or Wart for short. How this is for short, or why anyone would want to be called that, I do not know. I don’t make the movies, I just make fun of them.

Anyway, Wart is a squire in training. He’s really not good at the whole squiring thing. So Merlin decides to tutor him, because he had a vision about Wart being important or something. A lot of really bizarre and random things happen, all leading up to Wart becoming king of England, just for pulling Excalibur out of a stone! Yay! Then end.

Yep! That’s all I’m going to say. If I wrote out exactly what happens in this movie, I’d be here for the next four hours. Even though it’s only a little over an hour long, SO much stuff happens in that short time period. I’d go crazy trying to explain it all.

I will however say that I love this movie, and mainly for one reason. Mad Madame Mim. Imagine if I got a hold of magic, and you’d have Madame Mim. She’s insane, dangerous, and simply wonderful. She hates sunshine and can turn herself into a snake. What more do you want in a character? I’d say nothing, and with a character as awesome as her, what else could you want in a movie? I’m not over exaggerating about this movie, go watch it, right now!

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Leslie, who is really in need of a medal or award or something of the sort, for watching so far seven of these movies with me. She’s quite awesome.

Best Song: “Mad Madame Mim.” You should have guessed.

Best Part: Do I really need to say it?

Number Seventeen: One Hundred and One Dalmatians

One Hundred and One Dalmatians

1961

I wonder what it would be like to own ninety nine puppies. I’m thinking it would probably be not as fun as One Hundred and One Dalmatians makes it out to be. Just having one puppy was hard enough for me! With that many puppies, your furniture would be ruined, your shoes destroyed, and you would forever smell of wet dog, quite possibly the worst smell in existence. Plus, puppies grow into dogs, which are just not as cute. So I’m thinking that many puppies is a very bad idea.

But Rodger and Anita, the humans in this movie, sure seem to find it a rather dandy idea! They are most defiantly insane.

In the beginning of this story, there were only two Dalmatians, Pongo, and Perdita. They and their owners all get married in the first few minutes of the film. Pongo and Perdita quickly get busy and have fifteen adorable little puppies, named Patch, Lucky, Rolly, Penny, and eleven others not worth giving names. Apparently they are the parents that pick favorites. The poor unloved eleve.

After hearing about the puppies, one of Anita’s old friend stops by for a visit. Her name is Cruella De Vil, and she offers to buy the puppies. You see, she would like to turn them into fur coats, which is completely cruel. Hence the name, Cruella De Vil (Cruel Devil, get it? Yeah. I got it! Yay me!). Anita of course says no way. What is CDV doing to do now?

Steal them. Duh. She hires some henchmen and they round up the puppies. I don’t think it is possible to be more evil than that. Stealing puppies. The inner most circle of Hell is reserved for people like her, I am telling you.

Now that their babies are gone, Pongo and Perdita, like all good parents, send out messages to the dog world, telling all other canines to look out for their babies. After an agonizing wait, word comes finally that they were spotted at the De Vil place. Off P&P go to save their babies.

At the De Vil mansion, CDV’s henchmen are “watching” all the puppies. All ninety nine of them. CDV got a little greedy and bought up every Dalmatian she could get her hands on, totaling eighty four. When you add in the stolen puppies, it equals ninety nine. Yay math! Anyway, because the henchmen are dimmer than a mole convention, a crafty cat that has heard about all this helps the puppies escape through a hole in the wall. Now CDV can never make coats out of them! Yippee!

Well, it’s not that easy. Even though the puppies meet up with P&P, they still have to make the long trek home from the country to the city. With the help of a few animal friends and a crazy delivery truck man, all the dogs successfully outrun CDV, who ends up in a ditch, and make it home. Once home, Anita and Rodger decide that they must keep all one hundred and one of the Dalmatians, and everyone lives happily ever after. Except CDV. She’s pretty unhappy with life now. It’s what she gets for going after puppies. The end.

I hate Cruella De Vil, which is why she is a great villain. She makes you want to jump inside the movie and punch her in the face. But that’s good! I think. We will go with yes, it is good.

This movie has more going for it than a perfectly devious villain. It is adorable! That makes sense though, since the stars are puppies, and lots of them. Who doesn’t like puppies? Even psychopaths love puppies! You don’t believe me? Why don’t you go ask one for yourself then? Good luck with that!

So yeah. This movie=Flippin cute. Yay math again!

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Ian, Leslie, and all my siblings.

Best Part: When all the puppies play in the soot. It reminds me of when I was little and loved to play in the mud. Secretly, I still love it. Oops. Guess it’s not a secret anymore.

Best Song: There is only one. “Cruella De Vil.”

Number Sixteen: Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty

1959

If someone asked me to make a list of my top ten favorite Disney movies, I would say no. But I would first consider it, and on the imaginary list I’d ponder for a bit, I’d probably put this movie on it. I promise that’s a glowing endorsement from me.

Once upon a time, there lived a princess named Aurora. She had a castle, a mom, some fairies that adored her, a dad, and pretty much everything a baby could ever want. Then of course, something awful just had to happen.  That’s how fairy tales tend to work.

On the day everyone in the kingdom is showering Aurora in presents and magical gifts, the evil Maleficent shows up. She has the hardest name to spell, like ever. I’m going to call her Dragon Lady now. Or DL for short. DL is extremely powerful, and mad that she wasn’t invited to the party. This is a bad combination, I can tell you that.

Pissed off, DL curses Aurora, saying on her sixteenth birthday she shall prick a spindle and die. I feel like this is over dramatic, and a bit complicated, and that’s coming from me. Why can’t DL just say, “Hey, Aurora? 

When you turn sixteen you’re going to die. Not from anything, you’ll just seize up and that will be the end of you, okay? Nothing you can do about it sucker!” See? Much easier, and it’s much less likely something could go wrong with her plan. I should try to be a bad guy now.

Because DL did not have me help her plan out her ways of revenge, the good fairy Merryweather is able to help change the spell, so that instead of dying, Aurora just goes to sleep until true loves kiss.

What is it with fairy tales needing to involve true loves kiss? Why is it so magical? Someone should explain this to me.

Anyway, in order to further make sure nothing bad happens to little Aurora, the fairies, with permission, whisk her away to a cabin in the woods. Their plan is to not use magic for the next sixteen years, and return her to her family after the spell should be over.

But like most plans, this one goes awry. One the day of her sixteenth birthday, Aurora is sent out into the woods to pick berries. This is just a ruse so that the fairies can finally get out their wands and play with magic again, making a cake and dress for Aurora’s birthday. They get into a fight about dress colors (blue is so the best choice) and eventually end up sending fireworks of magic up the chimney. Bad move.

DL has her crow out hunting for any signs of magic. As he is flying over the woods, he spots the house that has exploding light spewing out of it, and reports it back to DL, who is now ready to attack.

Out in the woods, Aurora is talking to her animal friends. Of course. She is a Disney princess after all. They 

are not capable of making human friends. It’s a wonder they ever end up married and how do they live happily ever after? They barely know how to communicate with other people. I’m sure they are psychological messes on the inside. Disney will soon have to build a mental institution for these poor deranged princesses.

She is talking to her woodland creatures about a wonderful dream she had about her true love. It’s super convenient that in the same woods is her true love who is telling his horse about a dream he had about Aurora. The animals realize that her true love is in the forest, and lure him over. They meet, dance, fall in love, and then leave.

When Aurora gets back, she is devastated to find out she is a princess who is already betrothed to some prince. This causes her to weep for a very long time. Eventually it is time for her to go back to the castle since her birthday is almost over.

Now we find out who her true love is. Well, I think we found out earlier, but now I am remembering to tell you! He is Prince Phillip. Her betrothed. It’s so super convenient. If only in real life things worked out that well.

Once he is back at his castle, he tells his father he wants to marry this peasant girl, telling him that “after all, it is the 14^th century.” Best line ever. In any movie. Ever. So off he goes to meet Aurora so they may run away together forever.

Too bad that when he gets to her cabin, Aurora isn’t there, and instead DL is with a million goblin henchmen. Now he gets to go off to the dungeon! Yippee!

At the castle, Aurora is still really sad. DL comes to her while she is in her room, entrances her, and leads her up the tower stairs. Up in the tower is a spindle, and Aurora touches it. She immediately collapses. The fairies find out, and rush to tell Phillip about it.

Here is where the story gets awesome. The fairies break Phillip out of prison. DL then turns into a fire breathing crazy dragon, and Phillip slays it. How awesome is that? Why don’t guys go around slaying dragons anymore? Don’t tell me it’s because they don’t exist. I won’t take stupid excuses like that.

Now that DL is dead, Phillip finds Aurora asleep, and kisses her. She wakes up, and everyone lives happily ever after. Duh. This is a princess movie after all. The end.

Prince Phillip is by far my favorite prince out of all the Disney princes. He is one of the few who isn’t a whimp, and he’s pretty attractive too. He’s right up there with Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid, but that’s a different blog for a different day.

Another favorite of mine is Maleficent. Well favorite villain anyway. She is definitely not a prince. She won’t let anything stop her from getting her revenge. She’s a perfect villain, an unstoppable force of pure rage.

I could go on about other things I liked about this movie, but that could take forever, and I only have twelve more minutes before I have to post this. But, like I’ve said, this movie is awesome, plain and simple.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Ian. (Rose, if you are reading this, that’s right! Take that!)

Best Song: “Once Upon a Dream.” (Warning, the link is like forever long.) I love the opening. It’s pretty. Like musically and stuff. Yeah.

Best Part: Prince Phillip <3 Can I have him? Please?

Number Fifteen: Lady and the Tramp

Lady and the Tramp

1955

Great. Now I have to go to the pound to rescue all the poor animals that have to take the “long walk.” I’ll just add it to my long list of things I have to do this week.

For some reason when I watch Lady and the Tramp, I am put in a bad mood. I really dislike this movie, but I am never sure why. It’s quite peculiar. I try to avoid watching it as much as possible.

And because I hate this movie, and it has made me annoyed and irritated, I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to ever really hear about it again. So there! I’m going to not write about it! I’m just going to say I dislike it. I’m grumpy so I have full rights to do that! Right? I think yes! The end.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Leslie.

Best Song: “Bella Notte.” You know what, if I want to be cliché and chose this song as my favorite, I am going to do so. It has two guys with moustaches. I mean really.

Best Part: I guess at the end the puppies are pretty cute. I guess. Even when I’m annoyed I still have to find baby dogs adorable. 

Number Fourteen: Peter Pan

Peter Pan

1953

VCRs are things of the Devil. It should not take one hour and thirty minutes to set one up, especially when there are three people working on it. We had to find multiple copies of this movie, various playing devices, and several TVs before we found a combination of those that worked. I guess my friends and I are just special. We should have really tried putting in the freezer.

This movie is only seventy five minutes long. That’s right, it took us more time to be able to watch it then it did to actually watch it. However, it was completely worth it, because this movie is wonderful.

Who wouldn’t love a story about never wanting to grow up? Maybe some grumpy old lady who hates sunshine and kicks puppies in her spare time. I can’t imagine someone like her liking anything though.

Over in London, there is a family named the Darlings. They fit their name quite well, for they are your typical sweet family. Minus the dad. He’s mean and I would not want to know him in real life.

One night the Darling parents are getting ready to attend a party, leaving their dog in charge of their three kids, because a dog is a totally suitable babysitter. While he is getting ready, grumpy Mr. Darling gets annoyed that his boys used his shirt as a treasure map. As he is pouting about this, he trips over some blocks. Really he should be complaining. They just made his shirt look more unique! No one ever appreciates creativity.

Mr. Darling blames Nana, the dog, on the block situation, and locks her up outside. So now they have no babysitter for their kids. That’s no problem for them, they just leave to go to their party anyway! Such fantastic parents.

As all the kids are getting ready for bed, they receive a visit from Peter Pan. The eldest child, Wendy, often tells stories to her younger brothers about this strange boy, but no one knew him to be truly real. Peter is at their house to retrieve his shadow, which Nana snapped off of him the last time he was here. After he is able to catch it, Wendy helps him sew it back.

Once his shadow is safely attached, Peter teaches the Darlings to fly so they may go back with him to Neverland, a magical place where no one ever has to grow up. I so want to go there. I’m going to form a group, and together we are going to travel there. I’m thinking next week is a good time to go. Talk to me if you want in on this adventure!

In order to fly, you must think good thoughts and get sprinkled with pixie dust. Is that all? Really? I must hunt down a pixie now. It can’t be too hard to find one. I wonder if they sell them at Target.

Now that they know how to fly, they are off! Once in Neverland, the encounter little boys dressed as animals, pirates, mermaid, and even Indians! The leaders of the pirates is none other than the fantastic, amazing, wonderful, delightful Captain Hook. One day, I hope to be able to play him. I don’t care that I am a girl, I can totally pull off being him (Julie, if you are reading this, plllllllllleeeeeeeaaaaseee can we do Peter Pan for a show and can I pretty please be Hook? I’ll make you pie!)

Captain Hook is evil, crazy, and just downright awesome. Who doesn’t love a crazy mean pirate with a hook for an arm who is also scared of crocodiles? Even the puppy-punting lady I mentioned above loves him! Captain Hook is why I watch this movie. He’s hilarious. Peter Pan is a jerk for feeding his hand to the crocodile. That’s just inhumane.

Throughout the rest of the film, we watch Peter, the Darlings, his pixie companion Tinker Bell, and the lost boys wander around Neverland, and eventually being captured by the pirates. Captain Hook is obviously seeking revenge on Peter. Peter has it coming, so I don’t feel bad for him.

Unfortunately, Peter saves the day and Captain Hook is chased off into the sunset by the evil crocodile who is hoping to finish him up. Wendy decides she’s had enough of Neverland, and takes her brothers home. The end.

I know this review sounds somewhat spazzy, and all over the place. Really it kind of is, I just didn’t want to write out the details of the parts I didn’t find as exciting. You all have seen this movie. I’m not going explain it in any way that would be new to you, so I might as well just use my time to elaborate on the parts I adore.

Because really, that’s what I feel towards this movie. Adoration. The thought of being able to never grow up, to live with pirates, to be able to fly, all of that is just so incredible to think about. Being five when I first saw this, I instantly fell in love with Peter Pan. It was my dream to grow up to be able to not grow up. That statement makes sense; just don’t think about it for too long. I still hope that one day I’ll be able to find Neverland. I’m going to begin my work on that tomorrow, by starting my pixie hunt. Wish me luck!

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Heather and Mario. When I am added to the picture, we are awful with electronics. We make a terrible team.

Best Song: “You Can Fly!” Because you totally can fly. It’s possible. I’m sure! I hope. It’d better be.

Best Part: Captain Hook’s assistant shaving a seagulls butt. Hysterical every time.

Number Thirteen: Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland

1951

Hearing the word “Alice” is almost enough to make me scream. You don’t understand. For the past two months my life was devoted to Alice in Wonderland. I lived, ate, slept (no really, I had so many Alice dreams it is ridiculous) this story. I’m sick of it. Very sick. I don’t want to hear about it ever again.

But of course, it had to be a Disney movie. Stupid Disney. Sigh. They didn’t even do a good job. I was a much better Queen of Hearts, I can tell you that!

Alice goes off to visit Wonderland one day while taking a nap during a boring history lesson. Sleeping is almost always better than listening to lectures. Especially when you can go to a place full of talking animals and fanciful creatures. Wouldn’t you rather do that than schoolwork? I think yes.

Alice gets to Wonderland by chasing the White Rabbit and falling down the rabbit hole. And quite the fall it is. Alice thinks it must be miles deep. Finally she reaches the end. Seeing the White Rabbit, she races off, only to find a tiny door at the end of the hallway

The door begins to talk to her, telling her he is locked. In Wonderland, everything talks. Just a heads up. She has to eat a cookie and drink some kind of liquid before she is able to both get the key for the door and be able to fit through it.

Once through she encounters many weird beings, none who are as important as the Queen of Hearts. I’m going to skip the first hour of the movie and just talk about the Queen okay? It’s not okay? Ha! I’m going to do it anyway! Because I can!

This is how I feel about the Queen: <3 < 3 <3 < 3. I LOVE her. She’s the best character ever! I am not just saying that because I played her recently. Well, okay. I am. But I mean, if I played her, and I am awesome, then she has to be awesome right? Right! I’m so cool.

The Queen is constantly ordering people to be beheaded. You think this is cruel? I just say it is an efficient justice system! You rarely see people going out of their ways to break laws in Wonderland. She’s such a good ruler. I am not biased at all.

Alice wanders around and finally gets to the Queen’s court, where a game of croquet is going to begin. Instead of mallets, balls and wickets, she uses flamingos, hedgehogs and cards You may find this crazy. I just think the Queen is trying to work on her croquet skills. Playing croquet with a flamingo and hedgehog is about twenty times more difficult than normal croquet, I can assure you.

Alice starts to act bratty, questioning the Queen’s perfect judgment, so she is sent to court. There the Queen shows how she is also an effective judge, quickly sentencing her to be beheaded. Such a wonderful leader! As she is trying to keep her kingdom under control, Alice runs off. The stupid kid. The Queen is forced to send her army of cards after this condemned prisoner.

Fortunately for Alice, she wakes up before the cards get her, and revels in how wonderful a dream it was. The end.

I don’t like this movie. It is not anything like the book whatsoever. The book is a fantastic tale of wonder and curiosity and impossible things. This movie is nothing compared to the book. Of course, that is the way it usually is with books and movies.

I will give this film some credit, it is remarkably animated. It was able to bring all the strange creatures of Wonderland to life, like the rocking horse fly, or the famous Cheshire cat. It in no way did the Queen of Hearts well, but that’s just my opinion, which is of course correct.

When taking on a books as delightful as Alice in Wonderland, the movies will always fall short. Some things are better when left to the mind to imagine for itself, and I believe this book to be one of those. Except for the Queen of Hearts part. That’s totally okay to bring to life, as long as I am the one doing so.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): NOT Rose, who couldn’t suck up the fact this movie scares her and help her best friend out. The jerk.

Best Song: “Painting the Roses Red.” It’s about me!!!! Well. The Queen. Who is me. So me!!!!!

Best Part: Me!! Or the Queen. Same thing. 

Number Twelve: Cinderella

Cinderella

1950

At one point in my life, I had twenty four mice. No, I did not have a rodent infestation, though my mother would disagree with me on that point. They were the cutest little balls of awesome anyone would have ever seen. I would carry them around all over the house, and I could tell each one apart. I’m not crazy. I promise.

You see, at least I never made my mice friends clothes, unlike Cinderella. I’m slightly surprised I didn’t, it would have made keeping them all straight a whole lot easier.

Cinderella is another Disney princess I happen to dislike. She’s boring. She does everything she’s told and seems somewhat okay with being a personal slave to her evil stepmother. I am beginning to think Walt Disney had a problem with a step mother somewhere in his life, because he sure seems to hate on them at every chance he can.

Once upon a time, Cinderella was happy. Her father was alive, and that was good. Then her father died, and it was bad. Her stepmother reveals then that she is an evil mean lady. She forces Cinderella to become her maid and makes her live in the tower.

Cinderella is kind of okay with this. She is the most optimistic person to ever have lived. Well, to exist in film. Every morning she wakes up with hope that today her dreams will come true. It’s all nauseating.

She goes through her day, talking to her various animal friends, and cleaning up a storm. As she is cleaning, there is a knock on the door. It is a messenger from the palace, inviting all eligible ladies to come and meet the prince.

You see, the king has decided he wants grandkids, like yesterday. In order to get them respectfully, he must marry off his son, Prince Charming. I thought Prince Charming was married to Snow White. The dirty rotten scoundrel.

In order to find him a suitable bride, the king hosts a ball so PC can meet all sorts of girls. PC is really not keen to this idea, but he goes through with it anyway.

Back at the mansion, Cinderella is desperately trying to convince her stepmother to let her go to the ball. Stepmother agrees, but only is Cinderella can get all of her chores done and find something acceptable to wear. Assuring her she can do this, Cinderella sets off to work.

All of her mice friends know there is no way she will ever be able to finish her chores and fix up one of her mother’s old gowns before the ball starts, so they begin to work on the dress for her. It would be so sweet to have a committee of mice that would make you clothes. I need to figure out how to get one. That’s what I should have done with all my mice! I always think of fantastic ideas too late.

It is time to leave for the ball, and Cinderella is now ready. She goes down dressed all nice, which makes her ugly stepsisters jealous. They notice some of their old scraps of clothing and jewelry attached to her dress, and rip it to shreds. Now poor Cinderella can’t go to the ball. Woe is her.

This is where it would be extremely convenient to have a fairy godmother. Well Cinderella is in luck! Because poof! Her fairy godmother appears, gives her a carriage, some servants, a beautiful dress, and a curfew. Where can I get a fairy godmother? Do I have to sign up for it? Or do I just get one by having a sucky life? If anyone has any information on this subject, I’d gladly appreciate you sharing it.

Anyway, Cinderella takes off in her carriage, meets PC, and parties for the whole evening with him. Right as things start to get serious, the clock strikes midnight, and Cinderella has to hightail it out of there, less she risk being caught in rags in front of her prince. As she is running away, she drops the famous glass slipper. PC finds it, and vows to find the maiden whose foot fits it, and marry her.

The next stay, Cinderella is in a state of euphoria. She’s completely consumed by happiness. When she hears the news the prince is looking for her, she becomes a total spaceball. Evil stepmother notices this, and when Cinderella starts humming a song from the ball the evening before, Stepmother realizes she was the girl of who the prince was smitten. After this discovery, Stepmother locks Cinderella in her tower.

Once she is safely locked away, the duke arrives at the mansion to have all the girls there try on the glass slipper. Obviously it does not fit either of the ugly stepsisters, their feet are far too large. While they are trying it on, two of Cinderella’s mice friends, Jaq and Gus, sneak into Stepmother’s pocket and steal the key to Cinderella’s room. In order to free her, these two rodents must climb at least ten flights of stairs. They successfully do so, but once they reach the top they run into the house cat Lucifer. Really this cat lives up to his name. He traps Gus and the key under a tea cup. It’s up to the other animals to free him, and they do so by summoning Bruno, the dog. He chases Lucifer out of a window where he plunges to his death. Hehe. It’s a little bit funny, I promise.

Now that the key is free, the mice deliver it to Cinderella, who races down the stairs. She is just in time to stop the duke from leaving. As the servant holding the slipper goes to Cinderella to let her try it, Stepmother holds out her cane and trips him. The slipper shatters. But never fear! Cinderella has the other one, and therefore is able to prove she is the girl from the ball. She and Prince Charming get married, making him a polygamist, and they live happily ever after. The end.

I have a confession. I’m not that big a fan of princess movies. Cinderella is just kind of okay for me. It doesn’t help that I dislike the main character. Maybe it’s not princess movies, it’s just princesses in general. Most of them are the same. Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, really there isn’t much of a difference between them. They all are rather weak characters with no backbones who just accept their circumstances. So that is my main problem with this movie.

At the same time, there are parts of this movie I love. Every scene that involves the kind and duke arguing is hilarious. The ugly stepsisters and the evil stepmother are perfect villains. All the animals are wonderful. They make me miss my mice. I could always try making clothes for my rat I guess, but I have a feeling it just wouldn’t be the same. Plus I don’t think Mouse, the rat, would be very happy if I tried that. Oh well.

Movie Watching Budd(y)(ies): Leslie.

Best Song: “The Work Song” sung by the mice. This is why I need a fleet of mice. Fleet? Can I call them that? I don’t really know.

Best Part: When Jaq and Gus are running away from Lucifer, and they hit his nose with a button. Once hit, his nose is shaped like a button, and it’s one of my favorite parts in any Disney movie.